Positive Thinking

Learned Helplessness vs. Learned Optimism
According to researcher Martin Seligman (who was the major professor of my major professor, Lyn Abramson, when she was in graduate school), pessimists think that they are to blame for the bad things that happen in their lives, that bad things will always continue to happen, and that every aspect of their life will be affected by it.
Because of these beliefs, pessimists feel helpless and more depressed. In contrast, optimists believe that when bad things happen, it's only temporary and that they are still capable of solving problems. In other words, it's not the end of the world.
The interesting insight in Seligman's recent book, Learned Optimism, is that bad things can happen to both pessimists and optimists, but when we ask ourselves, "What does it mean," pessimists have a different interpretation than optimists. Knowing how these interpretations differ is extremely helpful in assisting one's transformation from pessimist to optimist.

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Constructive Thinking
Positive thinking is constructive thinking. It involves considering real solutions, problem solving, objectivity, logic, and honesty. Contrast this with rumination, dwelling on the past, obsessing over an issue, or wishful thinking. This distinction is especially pertinent when it comes to relationships. Often, instead of thinking how I could solve a problem, my first inclination is to think or do whatever makes me feel better, even if it makes things worse. If I'm mad about something, for instance, instead of talking about it, my instinct is to sulk, but that does no good. In the end, it often makes me madder.
"A learning experience"
No matter what goes wrong, I can always say "well, it's a learning experience." Between my husband and I, it's almost an ongoing joke. We wasted half a day at the beach with hucksters promising us a discount on a tour. Instead they gave us a high pressure sales pitch for something we could never afford (bogus timeshares). They even tried persuading us to spend our savings on it. After several rounds, I interrupted the guy and told him there was no way on earth they were going to sell us anything and to let us go with our discount or we'd audibly protest. They finally let us go, but it wasn't worth it. We could have been swimming in the ocean, but that's what started the whole "it's a learning experience" tradition. At least it gave us something to talk about. When we took our son to the mall for the first time, it was a total fiasco (dirty diapers, rejected pacifiers, etc), but it was "a learning experience." When we lost money trying to get internet service (the guy came out but didn't get the connection working for a month, which we had to pay for anyway) and the company shuffled us back and forth from phone number to phone number, it was "a learning experience."
A learning experience means that it will be better next time, that it wasn't all for nothing. And it always makes for interesting conversation.
The Positive Approach
There's a difference between a negative thought and the perception of something negative. Is it negative thinking to understand that a friendship is fading? No, but hoping in a way that the relationship would get worse just to validate the fact that something is wrong and call attention to the problem is not the most positive approach. Or contemplating who's to blame, stewing over broken plans and unreturned calls. Or giving up before finding out what the real problem is, or spending time speculating why they don't have any more free evenings. Were they offended by something? I could just ask them. I could make efforts to reconnect. For some dumb reason, it's not the approach that comes most easily, but it's the positive approach.
Blinded by the Bright Side
It's difficult to see the bright side of a genuinely depressing situation, but sometimes I've had difficulty seeing the bright side even when I'm blinded by it. It's an easy habit to form, always picking out and concentrating on the worries, but those worries and complaints can obscure the brightest blessings.
For two years I was looking forward to a conference my husband would be attending in Italy. Now the long awaited vacation is approaching, but I will be 36 weeks pregnant when the conference begins and my husband leaves, without me.
Every month since I got pregnant and calculated how far along I would be during the trip, I have gone through a frantic bout of: "You know, why not, why can't I just go? I could go, it's no big deal. I can sit on a plane for 10 hours. I don't mind. I could just go. If I go into labor, well then I'll just have a baby. People have babies all the time. What's the big deal? We could make 'Atlantic' his middle name, he he." The discussion invariably ends with a reminder that if by that rarest chance I did go into labor on one of the ten hour flights (most first-time mothers give birth between 40-42 weeks), and by chance my labor was short enough that the baby would be coming out before the plane could land (most first-time mothers have longer labors), and by chance there was a complication (like the baby pointing the wrong direction, although two sonograms show that everything is a-okay), then I would have no access to medical care, and something could go terribly wrong, all because I wanted to see the Italian Riviera and be with my husband. Argh! And this invariably ends with several minutes of hormone-pumped tears and a cabin fever panic attack with crazed "get me out of here"s.
My husband has been equally depressed about the whole situation. He doesn't want to leave me alone when I'm only a few weeks from my due date, and he doesn't want to risk missing the birth of his child, but he must go. He must give a talk crucial to his career (and our future). We both know how important it is. Our solution was that he would only go long enough to give his talk and hurry back. It takes between 10 and 18 hours to get to Italy from the East Coast, so that meant he would be gone 3-4 days, but the folks at work who pay his travel budget insist he stay over the weekend to get a lower airfare. Now he will be gone a week.
You should have heard the weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth that little announcement triggered in us. From another "why can't I go" to "my job sucks," we were down in the dumps all over again, but it was so silly. I started off with a "look at it this way," and by the time I was done, I realized it was the only way to look at it, and we had been looking at it with excessive negativity. We have so much to be happy about: we're about to start a family and Mark is going to get an all-expense-paid vacation in Genoa. He probably won't miss anything, and I can make do without him for a few days. And, I'm ashamed to admit, it's not as if I have never been to Italy.
Years ago, if I knew of anyone in anguish over such a situation, I would have laughed at them and scorned them for being so spoiled rotten. How is it that I have so forgotten the little I used to have, that I am not overjoyed with what I have now? We have so much to be thankful for, things that many people do not have and may never have. All I can think is it must be a matter of habit. Sometimes the good in a situation is so good that, if you're not used to it, it can be hard to accept. I am always looking for life to get better, to keep improving, and it has; now all I have to do is notice.
Vigilance
It takes vigilance to maintain an optimistic outlook. Cynicism and negativity become habitual with ease, and pessimistic thoughts arise without triggering an alert that says "hey, that's pessimism."
On the other hand, trying to be optimistic all the time about all things can wear you out, particularly when it involves nothing more than a brute effort to ignore what you consider the obvious (and unpleasant) truth. This isn't really positive thinking. It's just another form of denial. It's not a sincere optimism, not honest to oneself.
Letting Go of the "Protection" of Cynicism
Negativity is, in a way, a kind of defense against things that go wrong or people that treat you badly. It is a way to fight back and probably underlies anger and fear. Letting go of negative thoughts is difficult, because it feels like you must let the other win, accept defeat, drop your weapon and lower your shield, leave yourself vulnerable and let yourself be walked on. But most of the time though, those negative thoughts are my biggest enemy. They don't protect me really, not in the long run. In fact, they are the very means by which the upsetting events in my life get to me.
Another Way of Seeing Things
Positive thinking is not necessarily the denial of unpleasant, unacceptable, or bad things in the world; it's another way of seeing things altogether and an alternate perspective that puts these bads things in their place.
Positive Thinking Makes Good Memories
One of the consequences of negative thinking, of failing to see the bright side, is the creation of unpleasant memories. I went on a vacation to an intriguing place, but I was disappointed by a few
things, like spartan hotel rooms and bad meals. Now when I look back and remember my trip, the first memories that pop up into my mind are those of my irritation. The vacation was a once-in-a-lifetime experience, and I tainted it with my pessimism. But, I did learn something.
Solutions: A Pleasant Surprise
My view of life has been centered around the sense that problems demand quick solutions, and that happiness is merely a matter of finding solutions to every problem, and that one of these days I can find all the solutions, and then there will be no more problems, and then I will be happy finally. I am beginning to realize that if I expect to find all the solutions to all my problems, I will never be happy. What does it take to be happy, most of the time?
I went to a movie expecting it to stink, but I actually enjoyed it. I remembered going to see a movie that I expected to be fantastic, and it stunk. Maybe life is something like a movie in this same way. When I expect to find a solution to every problem, I end up feeling very disappointed, because of course problems continually arise and solutions are not always possible. But, if I know and accept that kind of thing, happiness is easier to find. And solutions are like entertaining movies, a pleasant surprise.
Maintaining an attitude of playfulness may at first seem inappropriate for problem solving, but intuitive problem solving is basically a creative process, and is more easily activated when critical judgement is suspended.
-- Frances E. Vaughan
Perfectionism
Does a negative thought cancel out a positive thought? Why does negative thinking always seem to overpower everything good about a situation? Everything can be wonderful, and yet the tendency to pick out whatever is wrong colors every perception and every feeling. This tendency seems like an element of perfectionism. Everything has to be perfect, and if even one thing is wrong, the whole situation is tainted. But, if this is how it works, then perfectionism is the ultimate in negative thinking, because it magnifies every imperfection.
People who keep stiff upper lips find that it's damn hard to smile.
-- Judith Guest, Ordinary People
Ways to Appreciate
Ways to stop taking things for granted:
- Ask myself what I would miss if anything happened. If I was suddenly relocated to the planet Mars, what would I miss?
- Ask myself what I would have thought of my good fortunes in the past when I had much less. Years ago, when I was working in a minimum wage job, I would have considered my current occupation a miracle.
- Ask myself, if I could wish on someone one of my fates, what would it be? Good health? There are so many who would appreciate that. A beautiful son? For those who are trying to bring a child into their lives and having difficulty, he's a miracle. The list is infinite.
What It Means
Gratitude seems to imply that I have given in or given up. How can I be thankful when so many things are going wrong? But gratitude does not invalidate my protests. I do not have to overlook or ignore the negative to embrace the positive. If I fail to recognize the good things in my life even while I lament the bad, I will be absorbed by my objections.
Could Have Been Worse?
I have never found it helpful to induce optimism by imagining how much worse things could be. This is depressing, and it only makes it easier to fear the worst. Or when people say others have it worse, I only feel bad for them. On the other hand, it does often make me feel better to remember a time when my own life was not as blessed.
Complaining
Sometimes griping is just an interesting pasttime. I've caught myself complaining just for fun, but it helps me to avoid complaining when I don't really need to. My words affect my thoughts just as my thoughts affect my words. Complaining only gives me practice in pessimism, and it gets to be a bad habit.
Practice
Positive thinking is a habit, like cursing, so it takes practice to develop. The nice dinner ruined by a rude waiter and a slow cook? It's just another opportunity to exercise my positive thinking muscle. We'll get the food to go, leave after an hour of good conversation, and eat our food on a bench by the pier overlooking the Chesapeake. It starts to rain. Another benchpress. How about taking the food home, starting a fire, and spreading a blanket on the floor like a picnic but without bugs? The baby enters his cranky hour, and several rounds of feeding, consoling, and diapering eat away the evening. Another benchpress, with an added twenty pounds. Put the food in the fridge for tomorrow, something to look forward to, and bask in the fact that we're a family. The nice thing about cranky babies is that if it gets bad enough, it's funny. Trying to think positive, it keeps getting easier and easier until I don't have to try so hard.
Questions To Ask Myself
 What are the good things in my life? Why are they good? How do these things make me feel?
-- How could I interpret my life or my current situation in a positive light?
-- What can I look forward to?
-- In what way have people been kind to me in the past?


Building New Qualities With Old Ones
To develop new strengths, draw upon the strengths and abilities you already have. Use them as construction materials for forming new aspects of yourself. Build on the foundation already established inside you. For example, to cultivate reverence for other people, you might draw upon the reverence you have for nature.
Don't try to change yourself when it comes to who you are. Instead, change the way you see yourself and let it manifest.
Small Solutions for Big Problems
I have a tendency to look for major remedies to major problems, but sometimes little things can make a big difference. Big problems don't always require big solutions, and I don't assume that a big problem cannot possibly be attributable to something small.
Once years ago, I felt fatigued and drained, so much that sometimes it hurt to stand up, my mind was in a fog, it was easy to get stressed or down, and I had chest pains, abdominal cramps, and stomach aches. I thought maybe I had chronic fatigue syndrome or diabetes or hypoglycemia or some other disease or a genetic defect. I couldn't get health care at the time, but I was sure whatever was wrong with me needed serious treatment. One day I came across a nutritional product designed to reduce body acidity. I tried it and also started drinking more water. After one week I felt like running up and down the street with joy. I felt full of energy, light as a feather, clear headed, happy, and free of aches and pains.
"If suffering brought wisdom, the dentist's office would be full of luminous ideas."
-- Cooley
Emotional Well-Being, Buy One Get One Free
Emotional well-being has been so commercialized that it's difficult to be inspired by it. Self-love, healing, and nurturing are personal, intimate pursuits, but commercialization has stripped them of their meaning and turned them into products. Now the endeavor to nurture ourselves is not something we see as our own personal journey, a journey that has never been made before from our perspective, a tender, beautiful path through quiet woods. Instead, it's a public road, and we wander it looking for the next street sign or crossing guard to give us directions. In this public venue, sharing our souls with products and television, we are more alone and disillusioned. The journey then needs to return to you, to be guided by your own intuition and perceptions, and develop as though each concept and lesson were new and undiscovered.
Real Lesson Learning
Every time I learn a lesson in life, I want to write it down as fast as I can, so I don't forget it. But then it occurred to me... if I have to write it down, the lesson is not over yet.
When I was in junior high, I kept a diary that I was very secretive about. My secretiveness made my sister very curious and she longed for a peek. Finally I exploded, "I don't know why you want to read this--all that's written in it is, 'I'm so fat, I'm so depressed,' about a million times over!"
I'm exaggerating, maybe just a little. However, after a while, it did become very easy, and not very cathartic, for me to continually repeat the same laments over and over... So beware of using the journal to obsess about your life.
-- Donna Levin, Get That Novel Started
Too Much Reading
Sometimes I spend so much time reading about how to do things that I forget to actually do them. In the past six months, I think I have read more than twenty books, and I have learned a lot, but I discover myself putting one book down and picking up another without anything in between. Maybe I need some time there to soak everything in or contemplate what I read. It's like when I read a long list of jokes... I laugh a whole lot, but I don't remember a single one.
Getting at the Root
If you can't extinguish an emotion, extinguish the thought it's attached to, and the emotion fades away. I do this sometimes by turning my attention onto the thought itself rather than the subject of the thought. When I feel myself starting to enter into it, becoming absorbed by the content of the thought, I take a step back again, until the thought has no significance. It seems emotions, probably because they create changes in the body, are more difficult to extinguish, especially just by trying to think more thoughts.
Pain Can Be a Good Thing
Recently, a friend told me about her philosophy. She used to think that the goal was to avoid all emotional pain. That emotional pain was a bad thing. Then, she realized that it could also be a good thing. When she goes through periods of anxiety or sadness or anger, instead of working to extinguish it, she works with it and uses it to learn from life. She accepts it as an experience, one that enhances her as a person and gives her life flavor and meaning.
Cliche Wisdom
The best words of wisdom are those tiresome everyday cliches, because that is what really good advice becomes just in virtue of its repetition.
Get a Mirror
I was using a microcassette recorder to study for a final, and as I was listening to myself read a stack of notes, I heard myself reacting to what I was reading. It was actually kind of funny. I would say something like, "Freud believed that obsessive-compulsive disorder, which has clear biological and genetic correlates, was caused by overly harsh toilet training," followed by "thppppt, whatever!" I didn't realize I was saying these things when I was recording. This gave me the idea to record myself when I was angry or upset or depressed... then listen to it later. When I was feeling somewhat miserable and sad, I started taping. I simply said what I was thinking. The next day, when I was feeling alright again, I played it back. I couldn't believe myself! It was a real eye opener. Self change is difficult without some kind of feedback, in the same way that it's hard to smile a good smile without looking in the mirror.
The best way to predict the future is to create it.
-- Peter Drucker
Giving It Time
I decided I wanted to stop watching so much TV and spend my time more productively. The first couple of nights were easy, but after a stressful day, all I wanted to do was sit on the couch and flip channels. I felt like I had failed, and because of that sense of defeat, I gave up on my goal. I didn't really consciously decide to give up; I just quit thinking about it. I think I expected to change my routine and my affinity for TV forever in the instant I made the decision.
Goals for personal improvement that require me to transform something fundamental about my personality in a week are not going to work. I can't form a new habit or break an old one overnight, and my daily routines are powerful habits. If I want to introduce a new activity or regulate a preexisting one, I need time, especially if I want the change to stick. Time means I'm going to "fail" now and then.
Subgoals
I once read that if you want to accomplish something, you have to break it down into steps that can actually be performed. I may want to increase my confidence, but I need to figure out exactly what that means. Nothing is going to happen if all I set out to do is "increase my confidence." I might try reducing the number of self-depricating thoughts I have every time I embarrass myself. That's something I can do. It might mean doing things I think I can't do just to push the limit and learn what I'm really capable of.
Specificity and Vision
If I were a shape-shifter and I wanted to make myself into a bird, how would I do it? I would have to think of a particular kind of bird. Otherwise, I would not have enough of a vision in my mind to do it. If my goal is to become an optimist, I need to specify exactly what I want to happen. Think of examples. Examples are more specific and useful than concepts and ideas. Self-esteem is a concept. Loving your body the way it is is an example. Optimism is a concept. Giving people the benefit of the doubt is more clear.
Rehearsal
When I think of optimism, I often have only a vague image of some generic character standing in front of a drinking glass (the "half full vs. half empty" glass). This doesn't really prepare me to be optimistic in opportune situations. When a more realistic event occurs and I have the choice of being optimistic or pessimistic, I forget about my goal and react out of habit, so it might help to imagine the situation beforehand and imagine reacting the way I want.
Make It Important
Most people have a list of things to do and things to worry about a mile long. A goal like learning to be more kind usually falls at the bottom of the list. If something needs to be bumped off, goals for personal improvement are usually the ones to go. They are not absolutely necessary, and the penalties are imperceptible. Yet, personal improvement and healing captures the heart of everything you do and the reasons you do them. Self-help goals open the door to peace, fulfillment, and joy. Without these changes in yourself, how can other endeavors bring you satisfaction?
Two Paths
In adversity, we move in one of two directions: towards greater emotional pain or towards wisdom, experience, determination, patience, and healing.
Costs and Benefits
Consider the costs and benefits. Understanding your potential gains and your eventual losses will fuel your endeavors and get your brain to cooperate. What will happen if you do not reach your goal? How will you feel? How will your life change if you do succeed?
Make Time
Make time to spend on yourself. If you set aside even ten minutes a day to think about your goals, to contemplate, and to practice, you accomplish much more than spending a full day every so often.
Prioritize
Choose one or two goals at a time. You do not have time to make everything about yourself perfect at once. If you try to tackle everything about yourself you want to change, you will only end up giving up. Set aside a little bit of time every day or every week. If you can make time to watch your favorite show on television every Thursday, you can make time to work on your goal.
Listening
Really listen to your sources of wisdom. If you feel disillusioned with self-help books or personal advice, consider how you respond to them. Do your eyes glaze over what feels like painfully generic advice? Sometimes the most plain advice is the most sound. One way to start doing this is to heed cliche. When wise words are used over and over again, they become cliche and their meaning is lost, but every cliche harbors simple, timeless wisdom.
Wise Words
Keep wise words handy. Write down a few important statements you find in books and articles. An index card is helpful, and continue to read those statements again and again, especially in situations where they are relevant. For example, Ursula K. LeGuin said, "It is good to have an end to journey towards, but it is the journey that matters in the end." When I am struggling to fulfill a long-term goal, I recall these words.
Practice
Did you know that you can change the structure and chemistry of your brain in a specific area by repeatedly using your mind in a certain way? The first implication here is that you can make permanent changes in the way you think and feel, but there is another implication. You have already made permanent changes. This means that if you are to change the way you think, you have to undo concrete changes. This takes more than wisdom; it takes time and effort, not just knowing, but doing.
Practice not only changes your mind, it changes the structure of your brain. This simple form of learning is one of the most primitive mechanisms in the brain. Consequently, accessing it with your conscious mind is like trying to rewire your computer circuitry by typing a program on the screen. So, you cannot solve these forms of emotional pain simply by interpreting things differently. Instead, you must practice.
Put Words Into Action
Doing what you learn is absolutely necessary if you are to recondition yourself. Sometimes, you might have an emotional response to something before thinking about it. This happens when your brain is wired to trigger an emotion in response to a perception, without requiring any interpretation of the event first. For example, if you had a car accident, the mere sight of a moving car could trigger sudden fear, even though you know the car is safe. You might not even be aware that it is the car that is making you feel so bad! To change the fear response, you need more than a new way of seeing things, you need to create new experiences with cars, if not in real life then in your mind. This requires more than reading or knowing, it requires doing.
Little Steps
Follow a plan. Take little steps. You do not need to make yourself perfect in a week. If you are afraid of the emotional pain that lies ahead, remember that the only thing you ever have to worry about is the next step, not the next ten steps or the next mile, just the next step.
Monitor Yourself
Vigilant self-awareness is absolutely necessary for making changes in the way you think, feel, or react. Self-awareness is as necessary to changing yourself as a good ear is to playing good music. Listen to your thoughts. You cannot change your thoughts if you are not aware of them throughout the day.
Identification
Identify your emotions. Emotions can be elusive. Sometimes it is hard to tell exactly what emotion is present. Sometimes no emotions seem to surface. Emotions can be hard to identify for several reasons. Conflicting emotions can pull you in so many directions that you end up stuck in the middle. A pause can help.
Explore the Unpleasant
People instinctively push unpleasant emotions away, which can stunt recovery and create a dull, numb feeling. Find a secure place to allow yourself to explore the pain you are pushing away. This secure place might be in solitude or in the support of someone close. Only by exploring the unpleasant can you get rid of it.
On the other hand, there is the danger of dwelling on the unpleasant and fixating on the need for resolution. Sometimes it's better just to leave a situation behind.
Reward
Reward yourself. If you succeed in any way, a pat on the back is warranted. Give yourself feedback. Remember where you used to be. Often when our efforts succeed, they succeed so gradually that we fail to take notice. You simply need to remember how you used to feel and how you used to see things. When you put your goals into practice, take notice. Think about the fact that you succeeded.
Progress Journal
 Keep a journal. Keep an organizer or record book of your progress, concerns, and exercises. For instance, you could write two sentences every night about how you put your personal goals into practice, or you could write down a number from 1 to 100 indicating how you feel with respect to your goal. You could write down anything that stood in your way or why you found it difficult to implement a new plan. Whatever you choose to write, a journal is a great resource. Not only does it keep you focused on your goals, it gradually becomes your own personal textbook on the subject